CAUTION
This Posting is only for those serious about creating an enduring relationship.
A friend of mine, who recently suffered a romantic breakup, asked me why she couldn’t get her former partner out of her mind.
Having, recently, been in the same situation and dealt with the same feelings, here is what I offered for her relief…
The first thing to understand is that, if you really care about someone, you need to be able to feel you can be truly happy for them, even if they feel their life would be better without you. Let them go!
Why grieve over the loss? Look at what you have learned from the experience and treasure how it may have energized you, but move on.
Why would you want to fixate on someone who doesn’t see your value, anyway? Instead, why not attempt to discern the signs that were there from the beginning that you may have missed? What questions didn’t you ask that would have revealed the other person’s true agenda?
If you were having a wonderful relationship and the other person suddenly put the brakes on it for no apparent reason, it’s probably because they were frightened off by some issue in their own life that had nothing to do with you.
Some claim the need for freedom is paramount in their lives. And, that’s the real reason why they can’t bond. However, true freedom is not “just another word for nuthin’ left to lose” (as Janis Joplin would have it) or about selfish hoarding, but about being able to give, share, extend, connect.
It’s, also, a fact that some people simply lack the courage of commitment and get along by filling their lives with temporary fads. (And, if you’re serious about yourself, you don’t want to just be someone’s fad.)
There are those for whom being accepted may be frightening because it’s too real. And, reality may be too big a step for them. In that case, you can only pity them or pray for them.
I recommended the latter and told my open-hearted friend to honor herself for her precious ability to commit. Their intuitions brought her and her partner together. But, thinking on the partner’s part, obviously, got in the way and ended something beautiful. While that’s upsetting for my friend, on a karmic level it’s, ultimately, far sadder for the other.
Some time ago, I participated in a psychological discussion group. In one of the sessions, the moderator mentioned he was working with an Asian couple whose families had decided on their marriage. “Can you believe in this day and age,” he queried, “that parents still decide who their children should marry?
In response, one of the group members chimed up, “In America we’re much more advanced. We let our parents’ projections decide who we marry.”
Everyone had a good laugh, but then the discussion turned to how true that comment was. And, it’s the case in all the Americas; in fact, all Western cultures and beyond where most aren’t daring enough to move past parental projections and respect their intuition.* That being the case, it pays to know the other’s backstory.
It was in that group that I began to ask myself what the elements of an enduring relationship would be. And, after listening to countless stories of both broken and successful relationships, I came to what I thought the essential ingredients of a sustainable relationship needed to be.
At the time, I thought these ingredients were four in number, but recently I’ve learned of a fifth. Their rank order can vary, so I’ll just relay how it is for me.
The new ingredient to my list, which I guess I had been taking for granted, is Honesty. And, I’ll rank that as number one. If you’re not truly saying what’s on your mind or are hiding some aspect of yourself, the relationship is doomed from the start.
Then comes Acceptance…taking the person for who he/she is; not wanting to change them from how they live their life. If, for example, you’re always correcting them or being corrected, i.e., one is trying to make the partner other than who they are, you’re both in a dangerous situation.
Of course, there can be negotiation. And, that gets to the third ingredient…Respect. Talking can unearth the “why” the other acts in a certain way, e.g., why they don’t put the cap on the toothpaste tube. Learning about the other’s reasons can open hidden doors and bring about a deeper connection through that understanding.
The fourth ingredient is Celebration…honoring the other for their specialness, even when the two may be in the same professional field. If one is always putting down the partner in front of others instead of extolling their virtues, the failure of the relationship is imminent.
The fifth ingredient is, perhaps, the most difficult…No Agenda. If one of the two has always wanted to live in a particular place, or is set on having a certain number of children or none or “has” to travel to a particular vacation spot he/she has always been going to, that is cutting off mutual decision. As a couple, you are no longer just you and your desires. It’s about starting at square one and making mutually agreeable decisions on just about everything.
The important thing to realize about relationships is that the above ingredients apply not just to the couple but, firstly, to each of the people in the relationship before they even engage in forming a union.
Each has to be honest with him/herself and accept, respect, celebrate and have no agenda within themselves. It’s only then that they’re ready to engage in a relationship. And, if only one member of the couple is ready, then it’s still not going to work.
When it comes to love, most of us are no more advanced than the couple in the picture above. We all wear masks that need to be removed.
If you’re seriously interested in having a relationship, start by being kind to yourself and, then, extend that kindness to the other. And, be brave enough to let your intuition guide you.
The “attempt” to connect is fundamental to life. The “why” we are all here is to learn to love.
* That’s what I love about Greenwich Village.
Here, every possible couple combination exists.
And, I give a special blessing to mixed racial couples,
who are bringing humanity to the color we were meant to be.